beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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