The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
