I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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