k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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