i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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