I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
