Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
