the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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