so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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