im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
