On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
