Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
