Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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