If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
