I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
