I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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