Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
