The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
