She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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