You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
