now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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