the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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