1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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