my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bring me that man meat
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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