3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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