i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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