honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
