She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
