He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
sarcasm needs its own font
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize