yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
