I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
