so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
