i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
