Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
