even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
