She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
