omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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