so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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