I think my fart just growled at me.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
