I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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