It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she smelled like a LAN party
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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