I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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