I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
