my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
