I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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