I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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