i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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