I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
