i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
