Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
