did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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