bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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