The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
