Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize